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Saturday, 03 December 2011

  • You Asked Me Why.

    Because I'm selfish. Because I was hurting and depressed but lying to myself and to you.
    Because I couldn't tell you why because you'd dismiss me. You still blame me. Rightly so, too. I had no right to be sad. I had no right to feel empty or mad or lost or heartbroken or anything but glad to have you back. There was nothing to do but pretend things were ok as I watched us slip apart and pretend that I still felt anything when all I've felt in the last 3 months was paranoia, lonliness, fear of this secret coming out, confusion, self doubt self loathing and, most of all, loneliness slowly eating away at my love for you and our future.

    But I couldn't tell you without hurting you or making you mad. I felt like I had to hold it all in and it was smothering me. I couldn't tell anyone. My beat friend was gone. You were my closest dearest nearest friend. You were there when I felt my heart shatter. And yet you still dismissed my feeling that way. I couldn't take it anymore. So Im doing the selfish thing.

    In the end, it was because I'm not strong enough to take it by myself.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Saturday, 26 November 2011

  • What he needs now is friends.

    It feels like I'm watching him slip away.

    A while ago, he told me that he felt like he was on the brink of a revelation. An aha moment about himself. In my selfishness, I assumed that his revelation had to do with me. How self centered of me. He has a million things on his mind, its unlikely that I would be his first concern. But its got me worried. What if he realizes that he doesn't need me anymore? What if his revelation is that he doesn't love me anymore?

    I don't want to lose him.

    But what if it's for the best? I haven't been the best for him. I fear I've broken his spirit and crushed his confidence. Its in my nature after all. Before me, he was a good man. Confident, lost yes, but confident in himself. Not happy, not yet...but he would have gotten there eventually.... This relationship had its good moments, but being with me is too trying for anyone. I've pushed him too far, too hard for too long. He's as lost as ever. As unhappy and unsatisfied and sad as ever.

    What he needs now is a friend. He and I were never meant to be friends.

    I want to push back. I want to yell that I love him. I want to make him love me. what if he needs this though? What if its necessary for him to do this so that he could keep his sanity? Montessori says that you must let people grow to be self sufficient. Doing for them will help them less than letting them learn to do for themselves. Maybe if I wait it will pan out. Crying will get me no where. I can just busy myself in the meantime, until I see where it leads...

Monday, 12 September 2011

  • I make him miserable?

    I want to make a watercolor stencil for V. Looking through all my old pictures of him, he seems to get sadder as time progresses. Is that really true? Is he becoming unhappier and unhappier by the day? Does he not realize this? Or am I just imagining it. His smiles are no longer open and carefree as they used to be...